Emancipation of 'self'

Looking at the Humanistic Approach and what it means in terms of 'human development' Abraham Maslow's theory described it as a 'Hierarchy of Needs' and in order to reach self-actualisation one needs to have met survival needs, safety needs (economic safety), love, belonginess and needs for esteem. Also the experience of entering a spiritual dimension. After reading his approach I had wondered if I had met some of the needs that may have helped me to be where I am today. I began to look at what could have stopped me from reaching my potential.

As a child I was brought up in an orphanage, where I developed an incredible low self-esteem due to the constant affirmation that I was 'no good' because my mother had 'dumped' me, (their words), and I would never get anywhere in the world. My survival needs were less to be desired as I was forced to eat food that I could not even swallow, only to be rewarded with a sweet. This led to years of eating problems. I was also continually fed with inaccurate perceptions of our world, and was told off when I laughed and when I cried, and occasionally abused physically.

I wondered about 'love & belongingness and how as a child I had never experienced any form of affection or 'love' from my guardians or socially as we weren't allowed school friends. As I grew up I was repeatedly transferred to one home to another never experiencing any continuity of life, thus leading to a disrupted education. When I finally left the last home 'for girls' at 18years old, I found it almost impossible to adapt to the outside world , and unable to find any means of support. I could not see through my inner turmoil, and with not having any social skills and a limited education, I found that for many years I gave off the wrong signals to men by blatantly advertising myself as 'look here, this is me'. This resulted in years of physical and sexual abuse and my ending up scared, lonely, confused, and depressed.

As I got much older I began to see that I had problems integrating into society due to the lack of social and educational skills. I decided to enter into a College For Adult Education, spending 15 years trying to catch up with the world around me. I later spent a number of years in therapy trying to get to know who I am and why I was experiencing so much emotional and psychological problems. It took at least 30 years of self-exploration and eventually I began to see the light (so to speak). I found it easier to integrate with people, developed inter-personal skills, found my creative side and got rid of the excess baggage that had been holding me back for so many years.

In the latter years of my life I decided to enter into the counselling profession as through my own personal inquiry and exploration into human behaviour, relationships, attachments and losses, I felt that I possessed a 'valid sense of ownership' of my own past and present life. My view of counselling and its process would be to help individuals develop a renewed self-awareness, understanding and insight their problems. This process can lead to individuals finding and using their inner resources and strengths, so that they can cope more effectively with life by making appropriate decisions, therefore, taking relevant action.

During the course for Integrative Counselling I found the courage to explore my inner child. I began with researching Bowlby's own research into his 'maternal deprivation hypothesis' (1951) which was based on the studies in the (1930's & 1940's) of children brought up in residential nurseries and institutions (such as orphanages). Bowlby found that Goldfarb (1943) concluded that all institutionalised children had poorer abilities. Spitz and Wolf (1946) focused on emotional effects of institutionalism and recorded that out of 91 orphan infants in the US and Canada over one-third died before their first birthday. Unfortunately neither Bowlby nor researches recognised the under stimulating nature of the institutional environment of the absence of maternal care could have been the affects observed in children.

After much researching into human development on the course, it enabled me to continue travelling towards the long road to self-exploration and with ongoing personal development along with counselling clients, I gained a huge insight into my self-awareness, and the awareness of others. I began to feel a connection within the environment and an awareness of inter-relations of self and others that gave me a greater feeling of empowerment, and to watch and see people grow and be empowered themselves. It also gave me a huge sense of where my place is in the world.

By exploring my inner child I learned it is about separating from a feeling that one has not yet felt or embraced. It is about emotional health (living-with-feeling), learning about objectifying my feelings in order to let go. It is a way of rewriting my personal history, replacing painful memories with nurturing ones. Erik Erikson said "that the greatest sin of all is the mutilation of the child spirit". I intended to uncover my child spirit in the hope of moving along the path to wholeness. I feel that by doing and working through this exploration has given me more clarity into my own and others values - attitudes -and behaviour.

I feel that the most fundamental part of my life is having the capacity for growth and development, and although it has been a huge long journey the self-concept that I had of myself has now changed to self-accepting. I have a clearer perception of my own personal worth, and for the past few years I have and still am experiencing continuity, love, respect and holding from my dear hubby, Ed.

Now I am going to take some time out from blogging...although I have found it very therapeutic as the more I write the more my pent up anxieties re: tx seem to dissipate. So that's positive. I will either do some crosswords....watch tv (if interesting) or listen to some music....cook a lovely meal and have an enjoyable relaxing evening. Looking forward to tomorrow.

From the ever emerging and emancipated woman. Marie